When I’m gone, it will drive you crazy to think of all the things you could have done to make me stay. Just like how it drove me crazy to think of all the things I did to try and make you change.

I think about how less I settle for, a lot of times. I know I deserve better and I am capable of something more, something bigger, and something more out of the ordinary. If we were genuinely happy, we wouldn’t really ask for things that can make us happier, right? And so, I rather stay and deal with the mediocrity, even though at the end of the day, nothing feels rewarding. I am just punishing myself for not pursuing something greater. 

Oftentimes I get these irrational thoughts in my head. I start to think about how I might never reach a point in a relationship where I can make someone happy just as much as they make me. So I realize that, and before I can make something great out of anything, I hold back and put my guard back up and kill whatever “it” is.

Sometimes I think about sleeping with a warm body next to me at night, only to find myself waking up to the left side of the bed the next morning, cold and empty. I begin to wonder why some people fall so deep in love with each other, only to fall out of it even faster. And I know in time, it will get better. I will get better. In the back of my head, we both deserve only the best. And who really knows what “best” really ever means?

I start to question when and where I could start changing my life around. I start to wonder why we live in a world full of fictitious stories and fairytales with “forever happily ever afters”, when knowing the fact that happiness is never a promise. But yet, I still put my least amount of trust it’s going to come my way one-way or another. Maybe one day. But today? Today is not that day. Nevertheless, perhaps tomorrow is.